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I am not the type of person that likes speaking up front or even talking in front of a large group of people. Like, at all. However, when I was asked to speak for one of the days for staff week of prayer, somehow I ended up saying yes. I was fine with speaking because I truly felt that God would lead my words and let me go into this with a clear and excited mind. Man was that the opposite of what I was feeling that Thursday morning. I was extremely nervous, so nervous I felt like I was about to throw up a few times in the morning. Also, I got very little sleep the night before because I procrastinated, and I didn’t end up writing my talk until the night before.
When I was thinking of what I should talk about in the weeks prior to this Week of Prayer, I was coming up with absolutely nothing. All of my most interesting and entertaining stories had already been used up in worships for my class. Thankfully, I had just started reading a book with my roommate Evelyn called The End of Me by Kyle Idleman. It speaks of how you meet Jesus when you come to the end of yourself. Whether that be through a traumatic experience, or anything that leads you to the end of yourself. Idleman then goes on to analyze the beatitudes in Matthew and dissects them to help the reader further understand the message that Jesus is urging us to realize. I decided that this was a suitable topic for Week of Prayer because who hasn’t felt broken at one point or another in their lives. However, I was still feeling like my talk could be more impactful. A few weeks ago, Evelyn had told me that praise music was like my love language with God and I realized how true that was. More often than not, I find myself connected more with God through praise music than I connect with the best pastor speaking. I figured there had to be some students out in the audience that feel the same I do, so I decided to pair my talk with a song. All the while when I was thinking about what I was going to say, one song kept coming up in my mind: “Brokenness Aside” by All Sons and Daughters. I looked up the chords online (thankfully the wifi was working long enough for me to look it up), and began to practice. I had overlooked one key part however, and that was that I hadn’t played guitar since high school and even then I wasn’t that great. I went back and forth over whether or not to play the song until I just asked one of the other missionaries, who is incredible at guitar, to back me up. He willingly agreed, except he had never heard the song I was planning on playing. We went through the song quickly, right before the chapel had started, and I thought we had it all sorted. So I began to speak about my testimony of feeling broken, and how God uses these flaws and experiences tomake us whole once again. There was an example that Kyle Idleman had used of a type of Japanese pottery where they purposely break pottery into pieces and glue it back together with a gold filling so it is made into something even more valuable than before. It was called kintsukuroi and I highly encourage you to look it up because they are truly beautiful. Anyway, I was feeling alright about my talk and felt that the students may have gotten something impactful out of it, and then came the song. I began the song alright, but soon I realized it was not alright, at all. Josh, the guy playing the guitar, and I were on completely different time signatures for the same song and it did not sound good. I kept pushing on through but I wanted to run out of there as fast as I could. Eventually, the song ended and I prayed and went on to class. I felt so incredibly discouraged after that chapel because I thought that all the students were going to focus on was how badly the song went. I wanted them to gain this incredible sense of purpose from the words God had led me to say, but I felt like it all was in vain. I know now that God works in such incredible ways and I was absolutely ridiculous to ever doubt His power to make an impact through me and His power to ignite the hearts of people who are seeking a message. The whole day went on and every now and then a student would ask me if I had gotten their letter. I had absolutely no clue what any of them were talking about and I replied with the same answer. Then, as the day was coming to an end I heard another one of the teachers, named Kim who teaches English, calling my name. Turns out her students had written letters of encouragement to me for her worship that day. It was so crazy because it was exactly the encouragement that I needed to get me through the rest of that day. I went on throughout my day to the volleyball game that I was coaching after school, and constantly had the letters in the back of my mind. I finally got a chance to read them and what they said nearly brought me to tears. The things that were written were so personal and vulnerable. Those students made me feel so loved that they would trust me enough to share that information with me that was related to the talk I had given that morning. It just goes to show that God is working in all of these students’ hearts here in Palau, and particularly in mine. Ever feel just completely confused? Well that was me these past few days. I felt so incredibly dumb and frustrated and just useless. Let me rewind about a week and a half ago.
We had just started going over vectors and two dimensional motion in physics and I was already dreading it. You see, if you have taken a physics class before, you already know what is coming. They ease you into it with a few easy perpendicular motion problems, but then comes the big whopper that is vectors that are not perpendicular. These problems are so incredibly confusing. As students began to ask me about these problems, I realized I honestly did not know the answer. One thing that I’ve learned by being a student is that when the teacher does not know the subject they are teaching, it is extremely easy for the students to know when they are just praying the students don’t notice. Well here’s a heads up, they always notice. So of course immediately I begin to panic and stress out because I do not know what in the world I am doing or teaching. I would look up videos online to try and help explain, but the internet is not the greatest over here, so that’s a no go. Then out of the fog that was my panic and fear came a shining light that is Mr. H. I emailed him about my questions and about my struggles in teaching this chapter and he replied with great flair, as he always does, and really helped me out. This was the turning point. The next day, after I did some more studying I had a breakthrough. I saw the light again and I shared my discoveries with my students and I could see in their eyes that they were beginning to understand. It was such a weight lifted off my shoulders and I felt so relieved. I am especially relieved today because we finally finished that horrid chapter. Another thing that really brightened up my days these past few days is something that another one of the teachers and missionaries shared with me about my class. I have one student named Henry who is a little bit of a Debbie downer. He is okay in my class, but apparently in other classes he’s is a little down all the time. The missionary who teaches him for English shared one of his free writing assignments for class with me. He wrote about his favorite class: Physics. He began to write about how much he enjoys the challenging subject and how he hasn’t really enjoyed any classes since coming to high school. This little paragraph that he wrote about my class warmed my heart so much. It came at the most perfect time when I was feeling so discouraged about that class. God truly knows what He is doing over here and I am truly blessed. -Morgan
It’s been awhile since I’ve even had a chance to catch my breath enough to write about my time here in Palau. It feels as if during the week we’re moving a thousand miles a minute, the days pass quickly into a blurred wink of an eye and then it's already the end of the week. When the glorious weekend comes, we FINALLY have a chance to actually sleep. By Sunday afternoon, we begin to hold our breath once more as we prepare to begin another whirlwind of a week. That’s how I feel being a teacher. Constantly reminding myself to breath and get through the day. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore my students. Each of them has so much to offer to the class with their unique personalities. Being a teacher has been so different than I expected, but exactly what I expected. I am not even sure if that is a coherent sentence at this point, but it is exactly how I feel. It’s so different being on the other side, suddenly you’re expected to have all of the answers at your fingertips. Students keep asking me questions and I have to remind myself, that I am supposed to have all the answers, and not turn to my professor or teacher. It is also so strange to be so involved in school, but have that wall of authority with all of the other students. The biggest age gap between me and my students is only about 5 years, which is the gap between me and one of my brothers. I keep wanting to act like one of the students and crack jokes with them, but at the same time I am constantly reminded I am not their peer because they keep calling me Ms. The students will call me from inside the classroom by Ms. Rogers and it takes me a few moments to realize that it’s me and not my mom. I recently became a Freshmen class sponsor and I feel like they’re almost my children. They have already come to me for advice and we have joked around outside of the classroom, around town, and in church. I have come to adore that class as we discuss math in both Pre-Algebra and Algebra 1. Many of the students here have known each other for years and are so incredibly close. It reminds me of the dynamics of my own class in high school and how close we all were. My Junior class is definitely the most challenging. This year is the first year that they have been split into two classes and ALL of the big personalities are put in one section. That class is LOUD. I find myself struggling to hear my own thoughts sometimes as they ask questions about chemistry. The other junior class is also loud, but there are also a lot of foreign students. A lot of the time I am so stressed that they are not understanding the material. I remember about a week ago I had a breakthrough with the foreign students. One of the Chinese students was asking about a specific question on the homework and I was struggling to find the words to help them understand the concepts. Finally one, of the Chinese students understood and then translated to the rest. The same happened for the Korean students. It was a small victory, but my favorite so far. I really need to concentrate on those moments and take a breath, because otherwise I will be drowning in negativity. The Senior class is definitely my favorite class to teach. There are only about 10 of them in Physics, but the ones that are there are so motivated and determined to do well that it warms my heart. They had their first test today, and it almost made me sad that I was not able to talk to them and learn with them while they had to take their test. It makes me so incredibly happy to see it in their faces when they finally put the pieces together and they understand the equation we just went over. Teaching has been exhausting, but also exhilarating. I am always tired and looking forward to sleeping at night, but I'm also looking forward to the next day, determined to make it better than the last. Well, the time is almost upon us. I am so close to starting my mission year and the nerves and excitement are growing with each hour. I leave this Friday and the fact that I will not be seeing my loved ones for almost a year is starting to take it's toll. Thankfully I will have access to wifi so hopefully I will be able to keep in touch often.
Training in Hawaii is about to start and the realization that I have never taught a subject before is beginning to feel a little overwhelming. I love tutoring and being a lab TA at PUC, so I am hoping some of that "experience" will transfer to my teaching over in Palau. Fun fact, this past Sabbath I actually met one of my students for this coming year! She was visiting her brother in the States and happened to be at Redlands Church. It made everything so much more real and got me really excited to make an impact on these young adults. I hope that I can have an influence on these students similar to the influence my teachers have had on me in the past. thank you all again for your constant love and support! -Morgan |
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